Those of us who frequent the nightclub circuit know that on any given night, you’re guaranteed to stumble upon anyone of these types of people, if not all of them. After many encounters, one must learn to look past these nuisances for the greater good of the party.
The truth is, we’ve all fallen into one of these categories at some low point, but for the most part, we keep our composure. Shame on those who don’t — their asses should be banned from the club.
The careless cigarette smoker
We suppose these are mostly inexperienced cigarette smokers – her arms are flailing to the music with a lit cancer stick and you have no choice but to duck for cover or this bitch is going to burn right through your cornea. Once you’ve dodged the fire, she exhales a gust of smoke directly into your respiratory system.
The smelly sweaty guy
It’s possible we can’t even blame this guy for his situation – he has overactive sweat glands so any physical activity makes him look and smell like if he just left a training session at the local Crossfit. Coincidently (and unfortunately), the sweaty smelly guy is always the gives-too-many-hugs guy.
The drink spiller
Obviously having downed one too many, the drink spiller is sloppy. Make any swift movement in her space, and she’s sloshing her vodka cranberry down the front of your favorite blouse or tee. Stick around her long enough and you’ll have enough cranberry splashes to wring out a buzz.
The indiscreet drug user
There’s always at least one – his eyes are bulging and rolling into the back of his head, he’s spastic, he’s making unnatural mouth movements. It’s no question he’s under the influence of a high amount of intoxicants. In extreme cases, he’ll create an empty space around him on the dancefloor – mostly just ‘cause he’s freaking everybody out.
The obnoxious dancer
We don’t hate on anyone for getting down to the music, but we beg you, mind your elbows. We didn’t come here for a concussion, and you just moon walked all over our toes. Best is to send the obnoxious dancers into the indiscreet drug user’s empty space.
The overly talkative acquaintance
In a setting where bass dominates the airwaves and you have to resort to shouting, the key is short exchanges. The overly talkative acquaintance is determined to engage you in a conversation about how awesome last night’s party was or even worse — his or her new business venture. The worst part is that generally they’re really nice and too caught up in their talk to pick up on “just-trying-to-dance” signals. Keep tabs on the overly talkative acquaintances incase you need to fake a trip to the bathroom.
This one’s a staple frequenting not just nightclubs but bars, house parties and even the gym. The creeper generally doesn’t fit in with the crowd of the party — maybe he’s a bit too old, or wearing flood pants or a windbreaker tracksuit. One thing’s certain: he’ll gaze at anything with tits. Girls beware ‘cause the creeper is known for his surprise dance attacks. One minute you’re jamming alone. Next he’s dangerously grinding on your backside.
The “I’m Not Having Fun” chick
This one you can spot from anywhere in the room because she’s got the ultimate stank face and she’s flashing it in every direction. Arms crossed, she’s making everyone in her peripheral area uncomfortable. If the “I’m not having fun” chick is part of your crew, do everyone a favor and send her home ‘cause she’s killin’ the vibe.
All power to you for enjoying the music, but have some mercy on us and let us enjoy it too. The noisemaker feels the need to “enhance” the music with whistles, cheers of “hey! hey!”, excessive “woo”-ing and sometimes even chants like if he were at a college football game. If you find a way to manage it, get the overly talkative acquaintance to distract him from his noisemaking,
The attention whore
This girl’s sole purpose of the night is to get noticed. She laughs really loudly, makes googly eyes even at the bouncer, wears revealing clothing and takes at least 1,000 pictures of herself. She’s instinctively drawn to high surfaces where she can be in plain view. Sometimes an attention whore will act in desperation and do something utterly absurd.